i and love and you.

So I haven't posted in here in almost a year. The thought crossed my mind the delete this, but I know how I am. I would regret the hell out of that decision and then want to write about how much of a mistake it was to delete my blog but have nowhere to write it, and the internal conflict would drive me insane. So instead of writing something long and wistful, lamenting my time away… I’m going to pretend like it never happened and get with the getting on.

In the last almost year lots of things have gone on. People were sick, people are sick. I’ve made some bonds with some amazing people that I can personally guarantee will never sever. I’m beginning to think I’ve inherited some doormatic (I invented that word) qualities from my mother. I tend to give everyone and everything and every situation I come across the benefit of the doubt time and time again. I think it makes me look like someone who doesn’t need emotional tending because I’m so involved in making sure whoever I’m involving myself gets to feel their feelings that my feelings get more than overlooked. How’s that for a run-on sentence? I will tend to other people and other things until my fingers are worn down to bloody nubs, all the while thinking I’m feeling this thing or that thing but keeping it to someone who isn’t even myself. What do I mean? I’ll explain. It’s like I don’t even let my feelings get bottled up because I don’t keep them anywhere near the empty bottles. It’s more like I’m thinking them into one of those astronaut training rooms, where there’s no gravity and things will bounce around for eternity if you don’t stop them. So instead of having that bottle that’s ever-filling for me to reference, I have this spastic chamber that bounces emotions off of me left and right, making it difficult for me to express what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. I know, it’s epic. And it’s probably the most important thing you’ll ever read in the history (and future) of ever… so you may want to bookmark this entry now.

I celebrated my four year anniversary with Ryan not too long ago. That’s a long time for people our age, methinks. I don’t want to make some lame joke about how its 100yrs in gay years, so let’s let that mentioning of said joke be all of the exposure that it needs. I can’t imagine a functional relationship without ups and downs in it. When some people make claims that they are happy all of the time with their significant other I kind of want to coat their genitals in sugar and throw them into a room filled with fire ants, cockroaches, and fire ants with cockroaches strapped to their backs. While I’d never say something is the spice of life, it certainly does make for a life filled with stimulation and somethings. I don’t think I could ask for anything more than a boyfriend who fills my life with stimulation and somethings. In four years when we celebrate out 8yr (200th) anniversary, I want to reference this post and do something that involves fire ants.

I think the key to me making my blog (and maybe my life?) work and be something I update often is to not put so much pressure on myself the way I used to. I’d actually think when I was at work, or on the train, or standing around being amazing, that I had to think of something to write. I had to think of something to talk about. When really, I intend to use this as a place for me to vocalize with my fingertips what I can’t vocalize with my tongue. So maybe instead of beating myself up with imaginary baseball bats and tasers (side note: when did tasers become the new handgun/birth control/handshake? Was I out of the room when the entire planet decided tasers should be in vogue?) I’ll write about why I don’t have anything to say or why I don’t feel like updating. I can imagine if anybody is reading this right now they’re thinking “oh awesome, that sounds like a post I’d like to read. You’re so dumb I want to kick you until you’re dead”. Know that I would not appreciate that.

I really need to figure out how to get motivated and stay motivated when it comes to working out and exercise. I think I have an actual fear of cardio. I don’t like it when my body parts bounce up and down in rapid succession. It makes me feel like I’m going to jiggle a joint loose and my leg is going to pop off. It would be on the news and then I would be the laughing stock of all the people in all the land. I have a weight bench and I have a barbell and two dumbbells and maybe 150lbs worth of weights. The weight bench is currently propped up against the wall, filling in white space on said wall so I don’t have to fill that white space with artwork, and the weights are all stacked in an off-kilter column that LOOKS like artwork. Someone needs to show me how to re-prioritize and stick with it. There are very few things I do that I really want to do that I stick with. I remember when I crocheted myself a scarf two winters ago and I was convinced I was going to crochet an apartment-shaped cozy to cover my house in. What I actually ended up with was more along the lines of 1 and 1/8 scarves. I think the ONLY thing you can do with 1/8 of a scarf is to make a project out of unraveling it. I just have this idea in my head of reaching this idea of “better” with my body. I’m not crazily obsessed with some out of reach idea of perfection, and I’m not a half step away from being on "TRUE LIFE: My Biceps’ Biceps Have Triceps", but I would like to make my shoulders a bit more broad. Not only will I be unable to fit through doors, but it will also make my waist look TINY… so when I wear a one piece at the beach this summer everyone will be jealous of how svelte I look around the middle.

I can’t express how much it hurts to have your best friends basically turn their backs on you. And that is all I will say about that.

If I don’t stop here I’ll run out of things to say for the rest of the week. Plus my videogames won’t play themselves! I’d very much like this reintroduction to be a solid new beginning, so let this be the first step in a long line of next steps. I’m counting on me to pull through on this.

I haven’t updated my blog in months.

I say that here often, don't ?

I think about updating it all of the time, but I wanted to wait until things really felt right.

I needed to take a real hiatus from updating because felt like all I was saying, all I was writing, was really about trying to figure out how to make my life read the way I wanted it to read. And when I read my posts over and over again I felt like cataloging my indecision only made it worse. I was constantly reminded of things I told myself I should be doing without ever making any steps toward doing them. It’s very hard to dig yourself out of your current state of thought when you’ve surrounded yourself with your demons from the past.

And so I’m traveling onward. I left my old job and found a new home as the creative third of a wonderful visual team at TopShop/TopMan. While I loved my old job (because I knew it so well, and the people of course) I am finally putting my creative/merchandising expertise to work on merchandise, mannequins, windows, and displays that are focused way more on creativity, impact, and the fashion of it all. My ultimate goal is to be doing something very, very creative but also very rooted in the business aspect of Menswear and Men’s fashions. I’m trying to channel my artistic ability into real effective business and retail decisions and so far it’s working well. It was hard at first, but I’m really getting the hang of it. In addition it’s much easier to work with merchandise you actually love. In the month and a half I’ve been there I’ve used my discount 6 or 7 times already, occasionally buying multiple items per transaction. Throughout my three years at Esprit I used my discount three times. I stuck with it because I knew I was good at my job and I thought that was what was most important. But I’m learning that working with things I like makes my job that much more fun. Breaking it down to discounts and purchases makes it seem a little silly, but it’s all factored in when retail is what you’re working with.

Over the last three years my salary has literally doubled. That is something I’m particularly proud of. While I won’t break it down to dollars and cents, increasing the amount of money you take home twofold in any situation is a good thing. And now that I’m making as much as I am, I can’t figure out how I made it I this city three years ago. Or even the two years before that. The more I make the more I need, that’s how it always goes; but it’s nice to know I won’t have to worry as much about the amount of money I have at my disposal. And it’s nice to be able to do things for Ryan I wasn’t able to do before.

We stayed at a wonderful hotel in Montauk for our third anniversary a few weeks ago. While the interiors could have used some updating, the amount of space our suite had was amazing. Our ultimate dream of having two bathrooms was finally realized. That’s our next step. Finding an apartment where we can have our own bathrooms. It was amazing walking out to the shore and realizing we were on the tip of the East Coast. If we jumped into the water and swam as far as we could we’d die before we reached Europe, obviously, but knowing we’d be London-bound is a pretty amazing thought.

I think I am finally realizing the secret to life and maintaining a healthy relationship. Social things have been up and around, over and everywhere. Trying to figure out life without certain stimulation and the never-ending pull of the NYC nightlife is hard, but very doable. I hate it when people tell you to stay true to yourself. Stay true to me kicking you in the throat. Instead I like to think that all of my loves and interests and hobbies are like little flames dance around my heart. Isn’t that a pretty visual? And my struggle thus far has been keeping all of the flames lit without have some burn out of control and the others go out. I think all of the things I involve myself with are important. If I let things fade just to make life easier or to make my interactions with someone easier I’m not doing either of us justice. The point of me being myself and you being yourself is that when we come together we enrich each other’s lives. So instead of being really awesome and aware of some things I can be really good and aware of a ton of things. And if I keep my interests alive I’ll always have things to fall back on when social times reach a lull, or I’ll always have something to introduce to someone else. Now my next move is to branch out and figure out more things I like to do/am interested in. I’d like summer ’09 to be about self discovery and building up the relationships I have right now. I’d like to make the fun in my relationship with Ryan the best fun we’ve ever seen. I’d like to make all of my close friendships into best friendships. I’d like to make my job something that continues to inspire me and make me want to fuse art and retail more often. All of these things are totally doable. I’m way more capable than I let myself believe that I am. I will be awesome and you will be awesome and together we will create leagues upon leagues of awesomeness.

birthday birthday birthday.

And then I was 26.

Diving right on in, my birthday dinner last night was fantastic. Sometimes I have a really hard time hanging out with my friends. I know it’s some sort of social anxiety that I should really examine, but for now it is what it is… so when I reach out and really try to surround myself with people it’s a big deal for me. And I’m proud of myself. I don’t just feel good about having people with me on my birthday, I feel good about letting go of whatever it is that keeps me from surrounding myself with people that I care about. Being out with people was different this time; I realized that no matter how I mistreat myself or others there are still people who are willing to fit my life into theirs. I love(d) it.

The end of the night was not what I expected it to be, but I think the unexpected situations in life are the ones that make everything else seem more real, more poignant, and more special. Sometimes things get hairy but I know now that the life I lead isn’t one I'd trade for any other. I think I was built to flounder and then flourish; and at some point I’m sure the trials of youth will subside and I will emerge on top and more together than I ever imagined. But the ups and downs that have salt and peppered my life are tiny examples of the bad, better, and best of what I used to be, and maybe the wonder that awaits me.

I feel better about 26 than I did about 25. I think the importance of the number weighs heavily on people. 25 is supposed to be a landmark age, it’s a tool of measurement, and increment of time, it’s a form of currency. It’s a relief to be 26. Now I feel that all I have to live up to is my own desires and responsibilities. I want 2009 to be about the growing out that comes with growing up. I want it to be about friends and friendship; I need to sort out my relationships. The last two days have showed me that Ryan Pfluger is one of the most important people that I’ve ever known, and that Ryan Hill is nothing less than a miracle; and that he has saved my life in more ways than I can explain in more ways than I can count. These are things I need to remember. These are things I need to keep. I can’t let people suffer because of my misgivings. I forgot how special people can be. And now I remember.

I spent my birthday the exact way I’d like to spend it. I slept in and got some much needed rest. I played videogames with my best friend, hanging out has become a sort of lifeblood. I ventured into NYC; met my boyfriend and a lemon tart. He bought me a dark gray wing, one to compliment his silver one. We are two different halves of a very perfect pair. We don’t match at all, but we certainly go together. He bought me a shirt that costs more than a third of my wardrobe put together. I said I wanted to rework my wardrobe this year and instantly he put me on that path. That is the kind of person that you never know how to thank. But I will try. We came home and ate macaroni and cheese, cupcakes, tarts, and brownies. Bonnie and Caitlin came over and we watched Will and Grace, RuPaul's Drag Race, Chelsea Lately, and Gossip Girl. The perfect end to a wonderful evening.

Videogames, books, brownies, dinner, and cupcakes abound;
so far 26 feels alright.
I am looking forward to the way that things could be.

Oh, and this is what I want next year click this link

And if you want to help a nerd realize his true potential then you should click this link right here

xoxo
gossip girl.

I am addicted to self expression and I will never not refer to myself as a boy.

I also cut my thumbnails too short once again. This will never end.

In lieu of writing I have been trying to do a lot more thinking recently. I suppose I am still trying, on the almost eve of my 26th year, to figure myself out to the best of my ability. I have come to the realization that the boy in me has yet to shed his youthful skin and tiptoe into adulthood. I was sitting on my xbox 360 the other day, eating cookies and thinking about my upcoming x-men tattoo (see), when I think it really hit me. And unlike other times when I self analyze this assessment stuck. I don’t know if it’s my ability to trust people ‘til the death, my inability to see the future more than 5 steps ahead of me, or my deep belief in the idea of wonder that keeps the kid in me alive… or maybe it’s a combination of all of those things. I just don’t feel like I’m growing up. I don’t feel the age even though I know I’m older. Instead it feels like I’m jumping rocks in a river; just as delighted to take flight as I am to find the ground again.

I have decided that 2009 should be about friendship. There are people an arm’s reach away from me that I’ve lost and that have lost me. And I hate it when that happens. I hate it when we both forget. And then it turns into the “I miss you” game. It is so simple and then it is so hard. I see the echo of my best friendships in everything I do. When I walk down a certain street or listen to a certain song. I can feel all of these relationships swirling around me. I can feel myself running through the rain on a Saturday afternoon, or entangling myself in someone whose scent wafts my way. I really think that is one of the worst parts of life. The losses that aren’t HUGE… the ones that just seem to happen and make little bits of your world fade away. And then I say things like “I want…” and “I miss…” and “I love…” and that only makes it worse; its little pin-prick reminders of the pieces of the people that we all used to be.

Sometimes it’s a wonder that everyone I know hasn’t shattered completely; shut down from constantly breaking into smaller and smaller pieces. Hah; this all seems so sad and yet I know it to be true. I feel like fragments of myself all of the time. Like people rarely ever get to see me, they just get an ever-chipping facet. I think that is why I cling to my idea of a childlike mentality. I just don’t want to give up on the possibility that things will once again gel. Maybe maybe maybe. I just don’t want to miss people anymore! I don’t want to feel like I have all of these open connections searching for an end. I don’t want to think of things I know I would enjoy doing with someone I lost my spark with. It makes the bleak seem that much more desolate. I want to feel like we are constantly connecting and combusting. I want to reignite whatever I need to reignite and realize the togetherness that I am missing.
That I always miss.
It is always missing.
Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.

08/09

So 2008 has finally come to an end.

With its departure I am also waving goodbye to the crippling demon of self doubt that kept me from realizing my dreams of blogging between heartbeats. SO... I'm back again.

I don't want to do a bullet list of the pros and cons of our previous year. What's over is done, no need to hash out the past in preparation for the future.

In my youth I was hesitant to actually have resolutions. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to fulfill my own expectations of change; and that would result in an added resolution for the following year. But I think I’ve overcome that obstacle now. I’m trying to focus all of my energies on the completion of tasks and the building of plans… this way I won’t be holding on to expectations blindly.
Sounds awesome, right? I know.

So the last 6 or so months I’ve spent working myself ragged, playing xboxlive like my controller is the second coming of christ, and reorganizing my apartment until my brain stem bleeds. It’s good. I got promoted at work. My salary increased like, $8,000. That’s something to jump up and down about. I like knowing that decisions I make are being taken more seriously. I’m one of those people who thinks the things they have to say are important enough to shape an entire nation. And by one of those people I mean everyone, because we all think we have something to say.

2008 was an emotional year for everyone I know. It was like a constant looping rollercoaster. The ride is really nice, but the inability to get off is what makes it scary. And while I know my friends are very smart, I doubt anyone has figured out how to get off of life. So I’m hoping the coming of 2009 heralds in more of a parkway-like life; with off/on ramps, merging, and the occasional douchebag trying to run you off of the road.

Ryan and I are taking a trip to Puerto Rico in the end of February. I’m excited about wandering through the warmth in the dead of New York winter. It’s going to be good fun. We are also going to go see Kathy Griffin in February. Look at me, all busy and shit. My birthday is a month away and for some reason 26 sounds more soothing to me than 25. I don’t really believe that I actually grow in maturity in correlation with me growing in age, but to me 25 is that landmark age and anything older than that is special. I’m excited to be that kind of special, it makes me feel invincible. That sounds a little backwards, but if it made too much sense it would sound all trite and overworked, and the last thing I want to do is spout out tired clichés about age and death and blahblahblah.

Last night was great. The end of ’08 was lots of fun. I got to see a lot of friends I haven’t seen in a very long time and revel in the delight of making new ones. There was flavored vodka galore, champagne, and photo shoots. Good times. The end of the night reaffirmed the meaning of the word terror. But out of horrors sometimes wonderful beginnings are born. I think this year will mean wonders for me and mine. And I think the same for you and yours. And for us and ours, I hope the New Year means crazy good times, crazy fun, and more videogames. There are some awesome ones coming out this year.

I just got home from an overnight and I should be sleeping.

Well then...

Goodnight.

life lessons.

Life is as interesting as you make it.

I just found a quarter in a pair of shorts I haven't worn in years.

Now it's tucked behind my license in my wallet for good luck.

Interesting it is!