I am addicted to self expression and I will never not refer to myself as a boy.

I also cut my thumbnails too short once again. This will never end.

In lieu of writing I have been trying to do a lot more thinking recently. I suppose I am still trying, on the almost eve of my 26th year, to figure myself out to the best of my ability. I have come to the realization that the boy in me has yet to shed his youthful skin and tiptoe into adulthood. I was sitting on my xbox 360 the other day, eating cookies and thinking about my upcoming x-men tattoo (see), when I think it really hit me. And unlike other times when I self analyze this assessment stuck. I don’t know if it’s my ability to trust people ‘til the death, my inability to see the future more than 5 steps ahead of me, or my deep belief in the idea of wonder that keeps the kid in me alive… or maybe it’s a combination of all of those things. I just don’t feel like I’m growing up. I don’t feel the age even though I know I’m older. Instead it feels like I’m jumping rocks in a river; just as delighted to take flight as I am to find the ground again.

I have decided that 2009 should be about friendship. There are people an arm’s reach away from me that I’ve lost and that have lost me. And I hate it when that happens. I hate it when we both forget. And then it turns into the “I miss you” game. It is so simple and then it is so hard. I see the echo of my best friendships in everything I do. When I walk down a certain street or listen to a certain song. I can feel all of these relationships swirling around me. I can feel myself running through the rain on a Saturday afternoon, or entangling myself in someone whose scent wafts my way. I really think that is one of the worst parts of life. The losses that aren’t HUGE… the ones that just seem to happen and make little bits of your world fade away. And then I say things like “I want…” and “I miss…” and “I love…” and that only makes it worse; its little pin-prick reminders of the pieces of the people that we all used to be.

Sometimes it’s a wonder that everyone I know hasn’t shattered completely; shut down from constantly breaking into smaller and smaller pieces. Hah; this all seems so sad and yet I know it to be true. I feel like fragments of myself all of the time. Like people rarely ever get to see me, they just get an ever-chipping facet. I think that is why I cling to my idea of a childlike mentality. I just don’t want to give up on the possibility that things will once again gel. Maybe maybe maybe. I just don’t want to miss people anymore! I don’t want to feel like I have all of these open connections searching for an end. I don’t want to think of things I know I would enjoy doing with someone I lost my spark with. It makes the bleak seem that much more desolate. I want to feel like we are constantly connecting and combusting. I want to reignite whatever I need to reignite and realize the togetherness that I am missing.
That I always miss.
It is always missing.
Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.

08/09

So 2008 has finally come to an end.

With its departure I am also waving goodbye to the crippling demon of self doubt that kept me from realizing my dreams of blogging between heartbeats. SO... I'm back again.

I don't want to do a bullet list of the pros and cons of our previous year. What's over is done, no need to hash out the past in preparation for the future.

In my youth I was hesitant to actually have resolutions. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to fulfill my own expectations of change; and that would result in an added resolution for the following year. But I think I’ve overcome that obstacle now. I’m trying to focus all of my energies on the completion of tasks and the building of plans… this way I won’t be holding on to expectations blindly.
Sounds awesome, right? I know.

So the last 6 or so months I’ve spent working myself ragged, playing xboxlive like my controller is the second coming of christ, and reorganizing my apartment until my brain stem bleeds. It’s good. I got promoted at work. My salary increased like, $8,000. That’s something to jump up and down about. I like knowing that decisions I make are being taken more seriously. I’m one of those people who thinks the things they have to say are important enough to shape an entire nation. And by one of those people I mean everyone, because we all think we have something to say.

2008 was an emotional year for everyone I know. It was like a constant looping rollercoaster. The ride is really nice, but the inability to get off is what makes it scary. And while I know my friends are very smart, I doubt anyone has figured out how to get off of life. So I’m hoping the coming of 2009 heralds in more of a parkway-like life; with off/on ramps, merging, and the occasional douchebag trying to run you off of the road.

Ryan and I are taking a trip to Puerto Rico in the end of February. I’m excited about wandering through the warmth in the dead of New York winter. It’s going to be good fun. We are also going to go see Kathy Griffin in February. Look at me, all busy and shit. My birthday is a month away and for some reason 26 sounds more soothing to me than 25. I don’t really believe that I actually grow in maturity in correlation with me growing in age, but to me 25 is that landmark age and anything older than that is special. I’m excited to be that kind of special, it makes me feel invincible. That sounds a little backwards, but if it made too much sense it would sound all trite and overworked, and the last thing I want to do is spout out tired clichés about age and death and blahblahblah.

Last night was great. The end of ’08 was lots of fun. I got to see a lot of friends I haven’t seen in a very long time and revel in the delight of making new ones. There was flavored vodka galore, champagne, and photo shoots. Good times. The end of the night reaffirmed the meaning of the word terror. But out of horrors sometimes wonderful beginnings are born. I think this year will mean wonders for me and mine. And I think the same for you and yours. And for us and ours, I hope the New Year means crazy good times, crazy fun, and more videogames. There are some awesome ones coming out this year.