holidays

So, it's the holiday season.

While I do enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I can't ignore that lingering feeling of dread that pounds away at the top of my spinal cord. You never know exactly what you're getting into when family congregates, so on my way home to Long Island I spent the train ride assembling my family deflector and arming myself to the teeth with insults (ones that I would never speak out loud, of course, but I would certainly repeat to myself inside of my head).

So I was surprised to find out that the only thing that needed to be deflected was my bad attitude and my unwillingness to recognize that people are able to change. Of course, this is a cycle that repeats itself as each year drops several celebrated holidays in my lap, but it's always a shock how much more accepting people can be.

Like most everyone I know, I used to feel like an outsider when I was in the company of my family. Like I was kind of just there because my mom had given birth to me, not because I was a part of this bloodline. I think that keeping my sexuality quiet for so long (it was known an not discussed; the way good roman catholics do everything) urged me along in these feelings of isolation. I always felt like I had a secret that kept me miles away from everyone else I was related to because the few remarks about being gay i heard from my brother and my father, and neither one of them was a pillar of positive energy. I remember wearing my sexuality on my sleeve when I got to college because I could invent myself in whatever fashion I saw fit. But now that my being an adult is a reality we've all abandoned whatever stigma it was that kept us from knowing one another in the past.

The holidays are the holidays are the holidays. I understand. But it's always surprising when people AND things change. I've always known that my mom loved me, of course. But I didn't know she carried a picture of me as a child in her wallet and showed it to her friends/co-workers-family members on occasion. That means a lot. She also gave me her mother's casserole dish so I can make my very own macaroni & cheese in it.


This post isn't too clever or witty. BUT it's thanksgiving. Give a girl some credit.