okay.

So I'm updating via my new fancy blackberry. That said; I went ahead and bought myself a new fancy blackberry. Aside from needing immediate access to me e-mail because I'm super important, I also just really wanted something with a qwerty keyboard. I had my horrible razor for what seemed like 20 years so when my upgrade came along I jumped on the smart phone bandwagon. I was tempted to get an iphone but considering how much I text I know I'd end up dropping that thing multiple times per day. I know they are drop tested but considering my ipod now conveniently opens up at the seam I figured I'd go with something heartier and less expensive. This only cost me $70 after all.

Anyway what else is going on; I had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. I went with Ryan to spend time with/meet some more of his family. I had an amazing time. I wish my family was as receptive as his is. I know they have grown much more accepting over the years, but my mind is still shrouded in doubt. I guess that's the after effect of years of father-fashioned fear. I'm making my best efforts to make them a little more receptive to me and mine, so we'll see.

I've been trying to ignore all things not integral to my survival in the last few weeks. I've been doing a lot of thinking. I do not now nor have I ever had a functioning relationship with my father. Until somewhat recently I thought he was more inclined to hate me than anything else. I certainly do have my reasons that I don't want to dissect right now; but never having a relationship with someone of that caliber stings pretty righteously. Paired with the constant ache of no support from a loved one is the constant wonder of how to feel this ache, when to feel it, and why I feel it. I am mostly content with my youth but the parts that don't fit into mostly are... mostly dad-made. All of those things said I recently got some potentially bad news about my father. His PSA levels are really high; which could mean anything from simple urinary troubles to prostate cancer. He's supposed to be getting biopsied soon but he's being stubborn and thoughtless as usual so he hasn't even made the appointment yet.

So here I am. Growing up without my father at my back has left me wanting in the emotional department. Myself approval as an upstanding gentleman waxes and wanes and I attribute bits and pieces of this dysfunction to my lack of a relationship with my father. I often wonder if it’s worse growing up without a parent or growing up with one that simply doesn't care. This is directly affecting how this news of possible disease attaches itself to me. Is it wrong that I do and don't care? Can you really feel bad for someone who was never really there to begin with? Can I really care this or that much? I really don't know. I don't know how I feel. Is it bad to wish an end to what has seemingly been a lifelong struggle of mine? And what of the guilt that ensues from just thinking these things and wondering about these wonders? I can't tell if I feel terrible or if I feel horrible. It’s not so much tumultuous as it is tedious and not so much heart wrenching as it is heartbreaking.

It has added stress to an already troubled soul. We'll see how this all plays out. I feel like my job situation has become increasingly desperate. I'm definitely playing the corporate ping pong game. And unfortunately the only one looking out for me is me. My insecurities and weakness are being exploited and of course one of my weaknesses is putting myself in the shoes of the exploited. Hopefully things change soon. Or maybe I'll just have to jump ship.

I know I am my own worst enemy but the cards I'm being dealt are impossibly bleak and trying to constantly look on the bright side will be my eventual downfall.