I haven’t updated my blog in months.

I say that here often, don't ?

I think about updating it all of the time, but I wanted to wait until things really felt right.

I needed to take a real hiatus from updating because felt like all I was saying, all I was writing, was really about trying to figure out how to make my life read the way I wanted it to read. And when I read my posts over and over again I felt like cataloging my indecision only made it worse. I was constantly reminded of things I told myself I should be doing without ever making any steps toward doing them. It’s very hard to dig yourself out of your current state of thought when you’ve surrounded yourself with your demons from the past.

And so I’m traveling onward. I left my old job and found a new home as the creative third of a wonderful visual team at TopShop/TopMan. While I loved my old job (because I knew it so well, and the people of course) I am finally putting my creative/merchandising expertise to work on merchandise, mannequins, windows, and displays that are focused way more on creativity, impact, and the fashion of it all. My ultimate goal is to be doing something very, very creative but also very rooted in the business aspect of Menswear and Men’s fashions. I’m trying to channel my artistic ability into real effective business and retail decisions and so far it’s working well. It was hard at first, but I’m really getting the hang of it. In addition it’s much easier to work with merchandise you actually love. In the month and a half I’ve been there I’ve used my discount 6 or 7 times already, occasionally buying multiple items per transaction. Throughout my three years at Esprit I used my discount three times. I stuck with it because I knew I was good at my job and I thought that was what was most important. But I’m learning that working with things I like makes my job that much more fun. Breaking it down to discounts and purchases makes it seem a little silly, but it’s all factored in when retail is what you’re working with.

Over the last three years my salary has literally doubled. That is something I’m particularly proud of. While I won’t break it down to dollars and cents, increasing the amount of money you take home twofold in any situation is a good thing. And now that I’m making as much as I am, I can’t figure out how I made it I this city three years ago. Or even the two years before that. The more I make the more I need, that’s how it always goes; but it’s nice to know I won’t have to worry as much about the amount of money I have at my disposal. And it’s nice to be able to do things for Ryan I wasn’t able to do before.

We stayed at a wonderful hotel in Montauk for our third anniversary a few weeks ago. While the interiors could have used some updating, the amount of space our suite had was amazing. Our ultimate dream of having two bathrooms was finally realized. That’s our next step. Finding an apartment where we can have our own bathrooms. It was amazing walking out to the shore and realizing we were on the tip of the East Coast. If we jumped into the water and swam as far as we could we’d die before we reached Europe, obviously, but knowing we’d be London-bound is a pretty amazing thought.

I think I am finally realizing the secret to life and maintaining a healthy relationship. Social things have been up and around, over and everywhere. Trying to figure out life without certain stimulation and the never-ending pull of the NYC nightlife is hard, but very doable. I hate it when people tell you to stay true to yourself. Stay true to me kicking you in the throat. Instead I like to think that all of my loves and interests and hobbies are like little flames dance around my heart. Isn’t that a pretty visual? And my struggle thus far has been keeping all of the flames lit without have some burn out of control and the others go out. I think all of the things I involve myself with are important. If I let things fade just to make life easier or to make my interactions with someone easier I’m not doing either of us justice. The point of me being myself and you being yourself is that when we come together we enrich each other’s lives. So instead of being really awesome and aware of some things I can be really good and aware of a ton of things. And if I keep my interests alive I’ll always have things to fall back on when social times reach a lull, or I’ll always have something to introduce to someone else. Now my next move is to branch out and figure out more things I like to do/am interested in. I’d like summer ’09 to be about self discovery and building up the relationships I have right now. I’d like to make the fun in my relationship with Ryan the best fun we’ve ever seen. I’d like to make all of my close friendships into best friendships. I’d like to make my job something that continues to inspire me and make me want to fuse art and retail more often. All of these things are totally doable. I’m way more capable than I let myself believe that I am. I will be awesome and you will be awesome and together we will create leagues upon leagues of awesomeness.